On 30th December 2017 I started writing ...
Another year has rolled around and once again thoughts turn towards a new start in the New Year. Just because I’m thinking of it, it will be the Year of the Dog on 16th February, a year of ACTION. What will we all achieve in 2018? Have you examined what you did achieve in 2017? Hindsight will give you 20/20 vision for the errors and hiccups that may have crossed your path during the year. Call them “fuck-ups”/. It’s what they are.
My path was strewn with errors this past year. I allowed my Gremlins to gain their voices again, and it’s given me an especially challenged last 6 weeks as I engage with self-doubt, feeble excuse, ridiculous anxiety, and almost self-destruct, as I re-entered the world of regular 40 hour week employment, with targets and external expectations. I right kick up the wahoo actually. It’s really forced me into a great deal of self-examination and self-assessment yet again, but maybe just perhaps, something will come of it this time.
I mean, after the decades I’ve spent reading self-help books, and following blogs, and spending $$ on numerous guides and step-by-step processes to riches and freedom, I should be living in the lap of luxury without a care in the world. Right?
Well if I look in the mirror, and past the initial “Oh for fuck’s sake look at the state of you, ugly wee bastard that you are!” kind of self esteem mantra that I emit, I see a very fortunate person.
I’m not going to list “what I’ve got” because it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I see my good fortune and gratefully accept it as a privilege and a gift.
An awesome woman I know was practising Reiki on one time me, and she shared with me this quote:
“I gratefully accept the divine meaning of everyday happiness!”
28th January 2018
I wrote that starter piece last year as I struggled with the challenge of a new “real” job as a remote tech support for a high profile ecommerce platform. I was one of the one percent (I’m told) who made it into the six weeks training on how things work. I thought I did OK, nothing special amongst the phenomenally smart and talented cohort I trained with. But the two weeks of live practice and shadowing set some alarm bells going for both me and them.
Fast forwards to here and now at the end of January. I’m typing this in the full knowledge I have come to the end of my short stint with these great people. It’s not for me. At my ripe old age of fifty-five my neural plasticity is not what it was, especially with the tech things. And the tech I have to navigate for these guys is just way more than I am comfortable with. I need a little more time for my cognitive processes to operate.
My wonderful fantastic wife has watched the rollercoaster of emotions that I have gone through. My wonderful family have been so supportive as they watch me toil with anxiety and self-doubt.
And I have finally decided that I need to leave this great job with it’s good money and benefits and intense pressure. And go do something else that involves more physical work - not too much, but enough to help me burn off my excess energy. And personal human interactivity as opposed to intense hours of screen time and uncertainty, and hanging out with your colleagues by text and by screen. Sorry folks, you rock, but I’m more diddley dee!
And that wonderful wife listened to my b-s and all my justifications and reasons I’ve given myself for quitting. And she has her own challenges to deal with. And she told me yesterday to write. And here it is, my first blog post of 2018.
I have no absolutely clear goal of what will really make me absolutely happy and content. I have it pretty darn good, but I have itchy feet and I have an idea that there is more I can do to follow them. I like the idea of going troutfishing in places around the globe where I can find a pub to go and play a tune on my fiddle of an evening. I have this fantasy of getting a round the world ticket every year on air miles, and combining my modest income with rewards points to fund hotel stays and car hire. And spending a few months in a few locations, following spring and autumn.
I also still have a bit of parental responsibility for my son until he takes himself of to art school, so it’s definitely not a get-there-quick endeavour.
But it’s a freakin’ good plan!
So it’s the end of January 2018. I’m taking another leap of faith and quitting a really good job with the belief that I need to find joy and happiness in what I do for what time I have. And if you feel like coming along for the ride, please be my guest.